Wolf has never made it this far. He can see the next idol just up ahead. All he has to do is get past this courtyard of enemies – on extremely low health. One final hit and he’s out. Ahead, there are two swordsmen, an archer, and three dogs. He leaps up onto a tree branch. He launches shurikens at the three dogs – easy. Wait for one of the swordsmen to pass underneath. Jump, slash. Only three more enemies. Wolf peers around the corner. He sees a way to sneak behind the archer. Crouching, he makes his way through tall grass and past burnt down buildings. He takes out the archer from behind. Only one swordsman left. Wolf sprints forward, launches an attack. The man stumbles, regains composure, attacks. Wolf dodges the first attack, circles around. Strikes. The enemy blocks and launches into an attack. Dodge, dodge – shit. Wolf timed the second dodge incorrectly, and the swordsman’s blade bites flesh. Wolf already used his resurrection – DEATH flashes across the screen.

I take off my headphones, push back from my monitor, and take my dog out for a walk. I gotta blow off some steam. This fucking game.

I like to think that I’m at least decent when it comes to video games. I’ve been playing games since I was a kid – losing constantly to those damn Plungelos on the mirrors on Gelato Beach, staying up all night at Halo 2 LAN parties, and playing the shit out of that Battlefront 2 demo that came with the Star Wars Episode III DVD. And as I grew and played more games, I found myself drawn to a certain type: open-world RPGs.

I think I was attracted to these types of games because they generally let me play in a particular way. And I don’t know why – maybe it’s my anxiety? – but I always play as cautiously as possible. I crouch, I sneak, I kill from afar. If enemies get close, I sprint away. And if I can’t avoid an encounter, I typically move in a circular pattern, round and round the enemy, just out of range from them, firing off whatever ranged weapon I have. If a game lets me use a bow, I will. I’ll sneak and be deathly silent and loose my arrows. Sometimes, if I get caught, I’ll just load up the save right before the encounter.

And open-world RPGs really indulge me in this method of play. So much so that recently I’ve felt an itch to branch out, try new games that I never would have tried before. Part of this desire comes from listening to games critics talking about their favorite games. Anytime I listen to Waypoint or Bad End or Abnormal Mapping, I want to download and play whatever they’re gushing about at the time. But god, are video games hard.

Even Sekiro - a game that requires stealth and tactical precision - throws me off. And I think I know why. It’s the dying. Losing progress, going back not just to a recent autosave, but to a checkpoint many enemies previously. Fighting enemies that have already killed you ten times over, hoping you don’t make a small mistake that will cost you your life (again).

This same mechanic is brought to the fore in rogue-likes and roguelites. If you die, you don’t just revert to a checkpoint. You start the game over. Into the Breach, Dead Cells – I don’t know why I’m drawn to the games that hurt me, but here I am. Hopefully I actually get better at them soon.

Speaking of tough games, I’m currently hooked on Shadow Tactics: Blades of the Shogun. I love the look and feel of it, and how missions feel like solving a complex puzzle. It gives off a good brainfeel. I also started Sunless Skies. Wow, I love the tone of it. It’s so meditative and tense in turn, and the writing is good. I feel such a weird combination of terror and peace while chugging through the sky.

Next up, I’m hoping to try out Star Renegades. The look of that game is stunning.